Catharsis

Found this in a file, it's an old work, rough around the edges, written in a moment that was emotionally rocky.  

There are moments that won't end in the mind,

you say it was an accident, falling to the routine,

Continuing "the cycle" "the only way I know" 

"the way I was raised"

Always a new excuse, never a real commitment.

There are words that linger forever;

they burrow in your soul and take root, 

poisoning every thought hence forth, 

words that associate with slow death.

There are emotions that grow unrestrained, 

in response to loneliness,

in the midst of pain.

That hide behind the mask, but never lose their grip.

The bruises that don't come from hits.

They last an eternity under the skin.

No amount of soothing evaporates the dull ache,

The ache that lives inside, never abandoning.

The spirit-choking negativity

that forever spouts from your mouth.

Never a kindness, a soft encouragement.

Always harsh, always rude, always...

You.

You.

You used to represent goodness.

Joy.

Love.

Now you bring despair,

Hurt.

Lost Hope.

There is an End. 

A catharsis.  

A broken soul,

fighting to break out and away.

A soul redeemed by the blood of a Savior.

A woman who, in spite of You, 

understands that she has 

Value.

Importance.

Worth.

A woman who carries scars,

that has a strength merged from 

the breaks meant to keep her down.

A woman that carries fire in her belly,

A raging desire to give her children

the Love and Grace that Christ showed her

not the dysfunction you created.

A woman that rises ready to fight for 

the chance to live, to thrive.

Who sees past the 

self doubt you painted.

You will not win.

You have lost.

New Roads

WHEW!!  Life goes by fast!  I haven't written in a while.  Well, let me reiterate, I haven't written anything for fun in a while.... writing has been plentiful, but all academic! 

Let me begin by saying "Praise Jesus!" He has most definitely been the Pilot to all our new ventures!   

This school year we decided to let Yudith and Aly give public school a go.  There were several reasons for this and a lot of prayer was involved in the final decision.  The first week of school was rocky for us all.  The girls were nervous and feeling a little overwhelmed.  But by day two, they were fine and I was beginning to settle my nerves.

First day of school pictures... yes, Becky is wearing water shoes....in case we decided to homeschool from the fishing pier!  ;) My girl is always prepared!! 

Friday before school started was the High School's open house.... Yudith insisted she go alone.  I was told that she NEEDED to do this on her own.  Of course, my gut was screaming NOOOOOOOO!!  You're my baby, I have to be there.  Yet somehow, I managed to maintain a calm facade as I agreed to give her that space and the chance to do it alone.  I dropped her off, while furtively sneaking pictures of her as she walked away, nervous but pretending to be confident.  I drove off and cried though huge wracking sobs because my baby didn't need me there, I felt both proud of her for her courage and sad that I wasn't required.  I got over it because, let's admit it, that's silly.  Besides, Mommy's are always needed... right?!  

           Yudith making her way to open house

Day one of school Manny was off from work, and we drove the girls to their respective schools in the morning together.  However, once we arrived, I stayed in the car while Daddy escorted each one to the front door.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion as I watched him deliver our girls with a silent and strong visual to everyone present that this beautiful girl is loved, cherished.  I think the boys got the picture! Darn!  We just had to make it hard on them to get their talons into our girls.... hehehe.  I have never loved that man more than I did in those moments!  What did I do, sitting in the car?  Take more secretive pictures and cry.... DUH!  

Manny and Yudith

                              Manny and Aly

Now 5 weeks into the school year, I have received 2 calls from teachers exalting my Aly!  They have both informed me that she is their favorite and they absolutely needed to let me know what a pleasure it is to have her in their class.  One told me what a blessing she was and how he enjoyed having such a grounded, and respectful young lady in his class, how she carried herself with a quiet dignity and respect.  Wow!  I did what I do best, I started crying like a fool.  LOL!  

Yudith joined ROTC, and within three days was the first to successfully learn and execute the maneuvers given so she was given a team.  A few days later she was asked to join Color Guard.  A few days after that she was asked to present colors at the first home game of the year.  Her ROTC Colonel came over and introduced himself to Manny and myself before the game and couldn't speak highly enough of Yudith.  How proud he is of her for the hard work she puts in, the way she carries herself in class.  This time I managed to thank him for his kind words and exit the room before I burst into tears.  Improvement.  

  
   Yudith holding the JROTC flag.  

I can't begin to tell you all how proud I am of them both.  I know it's early in the school year, but so far they have both put in a lot of effort.  What blows me away the most is how when they come home, they each have several hours worth of stories to tell me, I'm given details to every person they come in contact with every day, and every conversation they have.  I'm glad that they are loving their new experiences in high school, but I can never thank God and my hubby enough for the years that they allowed me to homeschool my girls.  The bond that the time together forged between us is amazing, I love having a relationship to that level with my girls.  It's been tested in the last few months (teens are no joke) but I'm confident it will withstand because it is grounded in Him!   

Someone asked me the other day "You and Manny have problems?" And it made me think, Seriously?! We are a blended family from two very different backgrounds, two different upbringings, two different lifestyles, there's an 18 year difference between us, there are 7 'kids" between the two of us, 7 grandkids and we have two teenaged daughters and a little girl with special needs in our home. We struggle with the same economic situation as everyone else, have bills and overhead to pay for. He works almost two hours from home, works long hours and is hardly ever home. I school the three girls and go to school full time. No, we don't have any problems, none at all(read that sentence sarcastically).... but you know, hey, I'm a Christian so I have no cause to be overwhelmed or tired or grouchy or stressed.... I should always be happiness personified. Well, to quote my Aly the other day, "Who cares if people are happy or not, happiness fades. Joy, that's what we need. And joy comes from hard work and achievement, from overcoming struggle and adversity and doing it all with Christ as your center." I have one heck of a smart cookie on my hands. We need to have compassion for each other. I'm not saying my troubles are worse than anyone else's, thankfully I DO have Jesus to carry me, and that makes it easier. But I have troubles just the same. Before you open your mouth to judge or criticize another, consider that their lives don't consist of the twenty minutes you were in their presence. That's the tip of the iceberg, you saw nothing, know nothing about them... Instead of tearing them down, why don't you put that energy into making their day a little brighter. Just a thought....

Since the divorce word keeps coming up in conversation lately, I thought I would give my opinion, no judgements passed, remember I've been divorced, so I'm not pointing any fingers, just sharing my heart this morning... 

NO marriage is perfect and without issues. NO marriage lasts forever on the initial euphoric 'feelings' of love. Life happens, schedules fill, routines develop. With that comes boredom, disagreements and arguments. Age and experiences change our thoughts, personalities and bodies. Marriage is more than being in love, it is more than physical desires, it is more than perfection and smiles. It is hard work. It is giving of yourself even when you are exhausted emotionally, spiritually and physically; when your hands, feet, back and soul are weary. It is the realization that you do not always know how your spouse thinks or reacts to everything, because they are multi faceted and will react differently to each situation. It is the daily commitment and decision to stay with this imperfect person, to forgive them when they hurt you and praying that they will forgive your imperfect self when you hurt them. Knowing that you will hurt each other, but you CHOOSE to care enough to fix it. Knowing that love changes and matures, grows deeper and stronger. Giving your relationship to God and making the adjustments that He convicts you with, not just sitting back and expecting it to work out on its own. Marriage is a burden only when you stop recognizing it as the gift and blessing that it is and start thinking of greener pastures.