Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Foreclose This House

The last several years have been  economically hard for most of our Nation.  Our family has not been spared the hardships.  We have been in pre-foreclosure, then managed to 'save' our home.  We were then hit with an increase in the new mortgage rate (higher than our original payment, hello? Does that make any sense?) and now we have fallen back in the whole.

We have run the gamut of emotions here.  Sadness, depression, anger(lots of that), frustration, disbelief.  I have cried, I have pleaded, bargained, screamed and laughed hysterically(ignore that visual).  You name it, we've been there!  Now, after a five year struggle with our bank, I had the pleasure of telling them what they could do with the house.  Foreclose on it.  Nothing they offer will actually help us, it will only dig us further into debt.  The house is worth so much less than when we purchased it, and they are treating us like criminals. 

I have spent the last several days searching endlessly online, making calls, writing emails, visiting properties.  We have decided to move on and leave our little home empty and ready for the bank.  It's a heartbreaking decision to make.  Every time we pass by it we will be sad.  Every time I think about the memories we made here, the tears come.  We've done a lot of raising here, a lot of partying here, we got married TWICE here, received news of new grand babies in this house, decided to make life choices from this place.  The last time my grandma visited me was in this home, the news of my grandfather's passing I got in my kitchen.  Manny and I separated and got back together in this house.  Yudith, Aly and Manny all gave their lives to Christ in this house.  I learned to tile the floors with my honey's direction in this home.  I spilled paint on Yudith's carpet in my rush to paint her room for her to surprise her.  I taught Aly to bake in my kitchen.  I watched Becky take her first steps in my living room.  Manny and I had to sit in our house, by our selves, and make the difficult choice between hanging on and letting go.  We chose to hang on to our sanity.  Hang on to the memories, let go of the burden.

There is a bright side here, the excitement of starting a new adventure, of setting out on the course of recovery for our family, and the opportunity to see God work in our finances puts a smile on my face.  Although we do not have our official 'get out' date, we've decided to go anyways.  The stress of having someone knock on my door to get out will be eliminated, the constant worry about where I will lay my girls down to sleep can disappear.  I know we will be ok.  I keep reminding myself that God is in control, that He knows the plans He has for us. 

In think the toughest part of this journey has been learning to let go.  Let go of the physical, material thing that was stressing us out so much.  Let go of the emotions attached to the situations, the fears and anxieties, and learn to really, truly trust God.  It feels like we have been on a spiritual journey that we could not finish until we actually trusted in Him with our actions and thoughts, not just our words.  It's a difficult step to make, to let go of all illusion of control and allow Him to move.  I am not sure we fully grasp the notion 100% but we sure are trying!  There is still a little of the OCD in me that flares when I start thinking of all there is to do, the timing and actual transition from homeowner to bankrupt and renter.  The fears begin to nudge me back into the dark place that yearns for control when I think about the long journey back to financial stability and home ownership.  So I going to work hard over the next few weeks on relinquishing control of what I cannot change, finding guidance for what I can do and taking deep, cleansing breaths. 

Time to set new goals!  Time to start fresh!  Time to move on!


Monday, May 20, 2013

The Last Year in Brief Review

Hello!!  I'm back!

What a very long year it has been!  It has been exactly that time since I last blogged.  I have a burning need to visit my blog friends! I have abandoned this realm for a while due to such an overwhelming load.I seem to have been sucked into a vortex of emotion and obstacles that left me reeling. I have lost my godmother, my cousin, my grandmother, my daughter's godfather.  I am still in school,and we have become members of an awesome church, Crosspoint.  We are so happy and in love with each of our church family members. We have been touched by so many there, many without their knowing.  Friends we never thought would leave us have left, old friends we didn't have too many opportunities to share with have become solid support systems, others that were away have come close. Some are kind of in between and our household relationships have strengthened. God makes NO MISTAKES! I trusted in Him when the dynamics of our lives began to change and we have been abundantly blessed!    

And us?  Well, Manny and I have been able to reignite a part of our relationship that was smothered.  We have become best friends again.  It was a long road, one with many, many ups and downs, but it happened.  We are once again where we were in the beginning. 

I have been blessed to watch Yudith, Aly and Manny give their lives to Jesus!  The girls were baptized last year, my hubby this March.  Praise Jesus!!  He quit smoking after 30+ years. 


Yudith turned 15 and has given her talents back to God, singing on the youth band and in the church service. 

Aly has developed her writing skills, and has surprised me with her material.  Again, I have been able to watch her give her talent to God. 

Becky is growing leaps and bounds!  Her cognitive abilities have really grown.  I can barely keep up with her!  LOL!!  She is very found of her Equestrian Therapy with TherHappy!

I finished my first year back to University with a 4.0!  I have been inducted into Golden Key International Honour Society and into Alpha Sigma Lambda.  Yay me!  I am exhausted every minute of every day, but I am happy with the course my life has taken.

Emotionally, this last few months have been the hardest.  Losing my final grandparent has been so very rough.  I am really working hard at getting past the hurt, but a part of me feels so lonely.  My grandparents were such a huge part of my life that I feel like I have lost a limb.  I find myself still speaking about her as if she were living, like my brain has not accepted the fact that she's gone.  The day before Mother's Day was so very difficult.  I had no grandma left to call and congratulate.  I didn't have any stories to hear about all the calls, flowers and gestures she received.  There was no laughter from her at the stories of my girls' antics.  No grandma left to tell me she loved me, to give me the traditional 'bendiciones'. 

A few months ago, Crosspoint held a leadership conference called Momentum. My hubby, Yudith, Aly and I attended and we were blown away!!! The Spirit was moving and touching lives! We were given answers we were seeking, answers we didn't know we needed and encouragement to keep pushing forward and to boldly do His works!! One phrase that stuck out for me was "Great opportunities later require instant obedience now!" How many times have I felt something being laid on my heart and didn't jump right in because "I have too much on my plate right now". Well, maybe I need to take some things OFF my plate!! After all, He provided my plate, how can I not obey what He wants me to do? So I requested a brief break form school and canceled some appointments. Just for a few weeks, just enough to reevaluate, restructure and rest.  I have returned now with a renewed spirit and new energy. My daughters and I have begun a new club for girls in our area, on purity, building positive self-image and a support system with others girls doing life together in Christ!  We have only been an organization for a short time period and are already growing.  I feel like I am finding my niche in my teenagers' lives.  And they are inspiring me everyday!

All in all, though a few uncomfortable moments have popped up, several painful days have visited our home, we have all drawn closer to God and to each other. For that reason I will count the last year as a blessed one. Even through anguish, God has blessed our home, our family. We have grown spiritually, have given Him our joy, fears and suffering. He returns our obedience with blessings we never would have asked imagined possible.