I Could Choose

I've known I was meant to adopt before I even learned to discern God's will for my life.  Years I waited.  For years I told people around me I was going to have another child.  At one point in my life, I actually thought maybe it would be another biological child (a little difficult to do when you've had your tubes tied).  Everyone, family and friends, all looked at me with pity and disbelief, shaking their heads and silently saying a prayer for my sanity.  But I was convinced God was going to move a mountain in my life.

And He did.  Me.  He removed the obstacle that I was for myself.  Not because I lacked faith.  I have the faith in God.  I lacked the faith in myself.

The Josh Wilson song I Refuse came on in the car tonight on my way home.  I've sang it before, but honestly never really felt it touch me.  But tonight, as I was driving through the country roads, I was thinking about how amazing that we're on this sometimes frustrating, sometimes awe inspiring journey.  We're a little closer to our Lucy every day.  I was really thinking about His blessings.  And then the song came on.  Becky started singing it.  I began singing at the top of my lungs with her as we acted a little silly.  And it hit me.  This is why!  This is why everything is finally rolling!

I refused to continue to sit around and wait for someone else to to what God has called me to do myself.  I stopped second guessing my worth, my ability, and began to TRUST He knew what He was doing by setting my heart afire for adoption.

Tears.  Ugly, snot running, pull the van over to the side of the road and sob crying.... Becky thought I had lost my mind.  But I just felt such an awesome, overwhelming sense of comfort.  I know that doesn't make sense, I just felt like He was looking down and smiling and thinking "She finally got it!"  How I do when the girls realize a truth I know about them.

The fact of the matter is, it all began long before the adoption process began.  For years He has been molding and shaping me to be the woman He created me to be.  I've matured (stop that laughing, it's true!) and grown spiritually.  I've learned to have confidence in myself, to accept that I was given the same measure of the Holy Spirit as everyone else that accepts Jesus as their Savior and is baptized.  I've learned that its' not all about me, it's not about my family, it's not about anything other than giving God the glory for EVERYTHING that happens in our lives.  All these years I've watched and supported my friends through their adoptions.  And now I finally had the opportunity to step out and DO myself. I could say we're doing it together, Manny and I, however, the reality is that there is so much he hasn't been able to do because of his work schedule.  It has been mostly on my shoulders.  And that's ok, because God has called me not only to adoption, but He's called me to be the feet of this particular journey, same as Manny has been the vehicle of other journeys we've been on.  Manny is fulfilling his role in the process.  Obviously, there is more He needed me to learn through this ride, and I'm ready.

So, those are my thoughts tonight.  I'm posting the link to the song below, because I figured you all might like to listen and see how it touches you.


I REFUSE by Josh Wilson


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Lucy