The last several years have been economically hard for most of our Nation. Our family has not been spared the hardships. We have been in pre-foreclosure, then managed to 'save' our home. We were then hit with an increase in the new mortgage rate (higher than our original payment, hello? Does that make any sense?) and now we have fallen back in the whole.
We have run the gamut of emotions here. Sadness, depression, anger(lots of that), frustration, disbelief. I have cried, I have pleaded, bargained, screamed and laughed hysterically(ignore that visual). You name it, we've been there! Now, after a five year struggle with our bank, I had the pleasure of telling them what they could do with the house. Foreclose on it. Nothing they offer will actually help us, it will only dig us further into debt. The house is worth so much less than when we purchased it, and they are treating us like criminals.
I have spent the last several days searching endlessly online, making calls, writing emails, visiting properties. We have decided to move on and leave our little home empty and ready for the bank. It's a heartbreaking decision to make. Every time we pass by it we will be sad. Every time I think about the memories we made here, the tears come. We've done a lot of raising here, a lot of partying here, we got married TWICE here, received news of new grand babies in this house, decided to make life choices from this place. The last time my grandma visited me was in this home, the news of my grandfather's passing I got in my kitchen. Manny and I separated and got back together in this house. Yudith, Aly and Manny all gave their lives to Christ in this house. I learned to tile the floors with my honey's direction in this home. I spilled paint on Yudith's carpet in my rush to paint her room for her to surprise her. I taught Aly to bake in my kitchen. I watched Becky take her first steps in my living room. Manny and I had to sit in our house, by our selves, and make the difficult choice between hanging on and letting go. We chose to hang on to our sanity. Hang on to the memories, let go of the burden.
There is a bright side here, the excitement of starting a new adventure, of setting out on the course of recovery for our family, and the opportunity to see God work in our finances puts a smile on my face. Although we do not have our official 'get out' date, we've decided to go anyways. The stress of having someone knock on my door to get out will be eliminated, the constant worry about where I will lay my girls down to sleep can disappear. I know we will be ok. I keep reminding myself that God is in control, that He knows the plans He has for us.
In think the toughest part of this journey has been learning to let go. Let go of the physical, material thing that was stressing us out so much. Let go of the emotions attached to the situations, the fears and anxieties, and learn to really, truly trust God. It feels like we have been on a spiritual journey that we could not finish until we actually trusted in Him with our actions and thoughts, not just our words. It's a difficult step to make, to let go of all illusion of control and allow Him to move. I am not sure we fully grasp the notion 100% but we sure are trying! There is still a little of the OCD in me that flares when I start thinking of all there is to do, the timing and actual transition from homeowner to bankrupt and renter. The fears begin to nudge me back into the dark place that yearns for control when I think about the long journey back to financial stability and home ownership. So I going to work hard over the next few weeks on relinquishing control of what I cannot change, finding guidance for what I can do and taking deep, cleansing breaths.
Time to set new goals! Time to start fresh! Time to move on!
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