Every time I turn around I'm having to get used to a new transition.
I just signed a lease for an apartment for my first born.
And I purchased renter's insurance for her.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions running through me right now.
Sadness, joy, fear, hope, desire to cry, desire to be strong for her. I am in shock and denial, yet so ready to see what she accomplishes.
I love her so much. And I'm not ready for the grown up phase.
I feel like I have lost total control of my emotions. Manny used to tease and say that the minute they turned 18 he would give them the boot, and I knew even then that I would be a wreck when the day came. (And I'm going to tell you all a secret, he missed her like crazy this summer and was counting down the days for her to return.... but you didn't hear that from me.) The summer semester at college was not as definitive somehow. Maybe because it was a dorm, maybe because I knew a few weeks later she would be packing up, we'd be picking her up and she would be back. But today, I'm processing completely different feelings. As I'm sitting with her and talking to the insurance agent, my voice is calm, my actions are calm, but my heart felt like it was going to blow up in my chest from beating so rapidly. There was a tightening in my chest, a queasiness in my stomach.
So I reacted the only way I know how, I bundled up all the kids in the van and drove them to get an ice cream. I told them we're celebrating the first day of school for Becky, Alex's first week of school being successful and Yudith's return to college classes next Monday. But in reality, momma just needed to watch them eat their ice creams and pretend that it was three little girls, with chubby baby cheeks, and sticky hands eating their ice creams. Momma needed the comfort of imagining that time had stood still for a quick second. When they were little, we always had an ice cream cone for a prize when they got a good great on a hard test, or to celebrate little events like the first day of school. It didn't quite work out that way today, but I gave it a shot.
And now I'm listening to her go over what she needs to take with her. Furniture. People, we are discussing FURNITURE. Decorating, cleaning, cooking. REALLY!? But she's only five. I'm pretty sure. I should know, I'm her mother.
And there in lies the transition that I'm having the hardest time with. How do you get used to your child not being under your roof? How do you get used to not knowing if she is safe, is she walking home at night from class, if she has enough cash on her for an emergency or even just a coffee?
She moves in this weekend, and I'm asking you all to please keep her covered in prayer. For protection, for safety, for health, for success, for focus, for her tender spirit and heart. And add a few for her momma, because driving away this weekend is going to be harder than driving away in the summer was.
Thank you friends.