Catharsis

Found this in a file, it's an old work, rough around the edges, written in a moment that was emotionally rocky.  

There are moments that won't end in the mind,

you say it was an accident, falling to the routine,

Continuing "the cycle" "the only way I know" 

"the way I was raised"

Always a new excuse, never a real commitment.

There are words that linger forever;

they burrow in your soul and take root, 

poisoning every thought hence forth, 

words that associate with slow death.

There are emotions that grow unrestrained, 

in response to loneliness,

in the midst of pain.

That hide behind the mask, but never lose their grip.

The bruises that don't come from hits.

They last an eternity under the skin.

No amount of soothing evaporates the dull ache,

The ache that lives inside, never abandoning.

The spirit-choking negativity

that forever spouts from your mouth.

Never a kindness, a soft encouragement.

Always harsh, always rude, always...

You.

You.

You used to represent goodness.

Joy.

Love.

Now you bring despair,

Hurt.

Lost Hope.

There is an End. 

A catharsis.  

A broken soul,

fighting to break out and away.

A soul redeemed by the blood of a Savior.

A woman who, in spite of You, 

understands that she has 

Value.

Importance.

Worth.

A woman who carries scars,

that has a strength merged from 

the breaks meant to keep her down.

A woman that carries fire in her belly,

A raging desire to give her children

the Love and Grace that Christ showed her

not the dysfunction you created.

A woman that rises ready to fight for 

the chance to live, to thrive.

Who sees past the 

self doubt you painted.

You will not win.

You have lost.

New Roads

WHEW!!  Life goes by fast!  I haven't written in a while.  Well, let me reiterate, I haven't written anything for fun in a while.... writing has been plentiful, but all academic! 

Let me begin by saying "Praise Jesus!" He has most definitely been the Pilot to all our new ventures!   

This school year we decided to let Yudith and Aly give public school a go.  There were several reasons for this and a lot of prayer was involved in the final decision.  The first week of school was rocky for us all.  The girls were nervous and feeling a little overwhelmed.  But by day two, they were fine and I was beginning to settle my nerves.

First day of school pictures... yes, Becky is wearing water shoes....in case we decided to homeschool from the fishing pier!  ;) My girl is always prepared!! 

Friday before school started was the High School's open house.... Yudith insisted she go alone.  I was told that she NEEDED to do this on her own.  Of course, my gut was screaming NOOOOOOOO!!  You're my baby, I have to be there.  Yet somehow, I managed to maintain a calm facade as I agreed to give her that space and the chance to do it alone.  I dropped her off, while furtively sneaking pictures of her as she walked away, nervous but pretending to be confident.  I drove off and cried though huge wracking sobs because my baby didn't need me there, I felt both proud of her for her courage and sad that I wasn't required.  I got over it because, let's admit it, that's silly.  Besides, Mommy's are always needed... right?!  

           Yudith making her way to open house

Day one of school Manny was off from work, and we drove the girls to their respective schools in the morning together.  However, once we arrived, I stayed in the car while Daddy escorted each one to the front door.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion as I watched him deliver our girls with a silent and strong visual to everyone present that this beautiful girl is loved, cherished.  I think the boys got the picture! Darn!  We just had to make it hard on them to get their talons into our girls.... hehehe.  I have never loved that man more than I did in those moments!  What did I do, sitting in the car?  Take more secretive pictures and cry.... DUH!  

Manny and Yudith

                              Manny and Aly

Now 5 weeks into the school year, I have received 2 calls from teachers exalting my Aly!  They have both informed me that she is their favorite and they absolutely needed to let me know what a pleasure it is to have her in their class.  One told me what a blessing she was and how he enjoyed having such a grounded, and respectful young lady in his class, how she carried herself with a quiet dignity and respect.  Wow!  I did what I do best, I started crying like a fool.  LOL!  

Yudith joined ROTC, and within three days was the first to successfully learn and execute the maneuvers given so she was given a team.  A few days later she was asked to join Color Guard.  A few days after that she was asked to present colors at the first home game of the year.  Her ROTC Colonel came over and introduced himself to Manny and myself before the game and couldn't speak highly enough of Yudith.  How proud he is of her for the hard work she puts in, the way she carries herself in class.  This time I managed to thank him for his kind words and exit the room before I burst into tears.  Improvement.  

  
   Yudith holding the JROTC flag.  

I can't begin to tell you all how proud I am of them both.  I know it's early in the school year, but so far they have both put in a lot of effort.  What blows me away the most is how when they come home, they each have several hours worth of stories to tell me, I'm given details to every person they come in contact with every day, and every conversation they have.  I'm glad that they are loving their new experiences in high school, but I can never thank God and my hubby enough for the years that they allowed me to homeschool my girls.  The bond that the time together forged between us is amazing, I love having a relationship to that level with my girls.  It's been tested in the last few months (teens are no joke) but I'm confident it will withstand because it is grounded in Him!   

Someone asked me the other day "You and Manny have problems?" And it made me think, Seriously?! We are a blended family from two very different backgrounds, two different upbringings, two different lifestyles, there's an 18 year difference between us, there are 7 'kids" between the two of us, 7 grandkids and we have two teenaged daughters and a little girl with special needs in our home. We struggle with the same economic situation as everyone else, have bills and overhead to pay for. He works almost two hours from home, works long hours and is hardly ever home. I school the three girls and go to school full time. No, we don't have any problems, none at all(read that sentence sarcastically).... but you know, hey, I'm a Christian so I have no cause to be overwhelmed or tired or grouchy or stressed.... I should always be happiness personified. Well, to quote my Aly the other day, "Who cares if people are happy or not, happiness fades. Joy, that's what we need. And joy comes from hard work and achievement, from overcoming struggle and adversity and doing it all with Christ as your center." I have one heck of a smart cookie on my hands. We need to have compassion for each other. I'm not saying my troubles are worse than anyone else's, thankfully I DO have Jesus to carry me, and that makes it easier. But I have troubles just the same. Before you open your mouth to judge or criticize another, consider that their lives don't consist of the twenty minutes you were in their presence. That's the tip of the iceberg, you saw nothing, know nothing about them... Instead of tearing them down, why don't you put that energy into making their day a little brighter. Just a thought....

Since the divorce word keeps coming up in conversation lately, I thought I would give my opinion, no judgements passed, remember I've been divorced, so I'm not pointing any fingers, just sharing my heart this morning... 

NO marriage is perfect and without issues. NO marriage lasts forever on the initial euphoric 'feelings' of love. Life happens, schedules fill, routines develop. With that comes boredom, disagreements and arguments. Age and experiences change our thoughts, personalities and bodies. Marriage is more than being in love, it is more than physical desires, it is more than perfection and smiles. It is hard work. It is giving of yourself even when you are exhausted emotionally, spiritually and physically; when your hands, feet, back and soul are weary. It is the realization that you do not always know how your spouse thinks or reacts to everything, because they are multi faceted and will react differently to each situation. It is the daily commitment and decision to stay with this imperfect person, to forgive them when they hurt you and praying that they will forgive your imperfect self when you hurt them. Knowing that you will hurt each other, but you CHOOSE to care enough to fix it. Knowing that love changes and matures, grows deeper and stronger. Giving your relationship to God and making the adjustments that He convicts you with, not just sitting back and expecting it to work out on its own. Marriage is a burden only when you stop recognizing it as the gift and blessing that it is and start thinking of greener pastures.

Simplify

The last two years have been so hectic!  I have barely had a moment to breath! 

So in the attempt to ease my load, I purchased the Dave Ramsey recommended eMeals plan, because anything Dave says to do, I try to do!  OMGravy!  Do I love it?!  It gives me my menu, and the grocery list for the store of my choice, based on the sales for the week (maximizing my savings, yay)!  Now, let me take a moment to say, I am writing this solely for the intentions of sharing a quick, easy and inexpensive method of cutting down my stress level, I am not doing this because I was asked to market anything.  I honestly am using the plan.  Don't want you all doubting my sincerity!  LOL!

Not only has this cut down on the amount of money I spend on groceries(which my financial advisor will be very proud of, hee hee), but it has cut the time I spend grocery shopping and meal planning.  I had been hesitant to try the program because I was worried the menu would be too far removed from our regular eating habits, and they are!  But so far, I have loved every meal.  And of course, if one meal is something we simply do not like, I substitute with one of my go to meals, usually with Latin flavor, and voila!  Everyone is happy!

The plans were super affordable and I have had a HUGE load taken off of my shoulders, so I thought I would share it with you all!  Below are some pictures of one of the meals from this past week and Becky thoroughly enjoying hers! 

If you are interested in purchasing the meal plan, here is a link!  Let me know how you like it!!  Don't forget to tell them I referred you!  Adlin Fleites, Busymomma3 (cause they do have a referral program to help you save even more off of your subscription!  I love this company!)


http://www.emeals.com/ 

Foreclose This House

The last several years have been  economically hard for most of our Nation.  Our family has not been spared the hardships.  We have been in pre-foreclosure, then managed to 'save' our home.  We were then hit with an increase in the new mortgage rate (higher than our original payment, hello? Does that make any sense?) and now we have fallen back in the whole.

We have run the gamut of emotions here.  Sadness, depression, anger(lots of that), frustration, disbelief.  I have cried, I have pleaded, bargained, screamed and laughed hysterically(ignore that visual).  You name it, we've been there!  Now, after a five year struggle with our bank, I had the pleasure of telling them what they could do with the house.  Foreclose on it.  Nothing they offer will actually help us, it will only dig us further into debt.  The house is worth so much less than when we purchased it, and they are treating us like criminals. 

I have spent the last several days searching endlessly online, making calls, writing emails, visiting properties.  We have decided to move on and leave our little home empty and ready for the bank.  It's a heartbreaking decision to make.  Every time we pass by it we will be sad.  Every time I think about the memories we made here, the tears come.  We've done a lot of raising here, a lot of partying here, we got married TWICE here, received news of new grand babies in this house, decided to make life choices from this place.  The last time my grandma visited me was in this home, the news of my grandfather's passing I got in my kitchen.  Manny and I separated and got back together in this house.  Yudith, Aly and Manny all gave their lives to Christ in this house.  I learned to tile the floors with my honey's direction in this home.  I spilled paint on Yudith's carpet in my rush to paint her room for her to surprise her.  I taught Aly to bake in my kitchen.  I watched Becky take her first steps in my living room.  Manny and I had to sit in our house, by our selves, and make the difficult choice between hanging on and letting go.  We chose to hang on to our sanity.  Hang on to the memories, let go of the burden.

There is a bright side here, the excitement of starting a new adventure, of setting out on the course of recovery for our family, and the opportunity to see God work in our finances puts a smile on my face.  Although we do not have our official 'get out' date, we've decided to go anyways.  The stress of having someone knock on my door to get out will be eliminated, the constant worry about where I will lay my girls down to sleep can disappear.  I know we will be ok.  I keep reminding myself that God is in control, that He knows the plans He has for us. 

In think the toughest part of this journey has been learning to let go.  Let go of the physical, material thing that was stressing us out so much.  Let go of the emotions attached to the situations, the fears and anxieties, and learn to really, truly trust God.  It feels like we have been on a spiritual journey that we could not finish until we actually trusted in Him with our actions and thoughts, not just our words.  It's a difficult step to make, to let go of all illusion of control and allow Him to move.  I am not sure we fully grasp the notion 100% but we sure are trying!  There is still a little of the OCD in me that flares when I start thinking of all there is to do, the timing and actual transition from homeowner to bankrupt and renter.  The fears begin to nudge me back into the dark place that yearns for control when I think about the long journey back to financial stability and home ownership.  So I going to work hard over the next few weeks on relinquishing control of what I cannot change, finding guidance for what I can do and taking deep, cleansing breaths. 

Time to set new goals!  Time to start fresh!  Time to move on!

The Last Year in Brief Review

Hello!!  I'm back!

What a very long year it has been!  It has been exactly that time since I last blogged.  I have a burning need to visit my blog friends! I have abandoned this realm for a while due to such an overwhelming load.I seem to have been sucked into a vortex of emotion and obstacles that left me reeling. I have lost my godmother, my cousin, my grandmother, my daughter's godfather.  I am still in school,and we have become members of an awesome church, Crosspoint.  We are so happy and in love with each of our church family members. We have been touched by so many there, many without their knowing.  Friends we never thought would leave us have left, old friends we didn't have too many opportunities to share with have become solid support systems, others that were away have come close. Some are kind of in between and our household relationships have strengthened. God makes NO MISTAKES! I trusted in Him when the dynamics of our lives began to change and we have been abundantly blessed!    

And us?  Well, Manny and I have been able to reignite a part of our relationship that was smothered.  We have become best friends again.  It was a long road, one with many, many ups and downs, but it happened.  We are once again where we were in the beginning. 

I have been blessed to watch Yudith, Aly and Manny give their lives to Jesus!  The girls were baptized last year, my hubby this March.  Praise Jesus!!  He quit smoking after 30+ years. 


Yudith turned 15 and has given her talents back to God, singing on the youth band and in the church service. 

Aly has developed her writing skills, and has surprised me with her material.  Again, I have been able to watch her give her talent to God. 

Becky is growing leaps and bounds!  Her cognitive abilities have really grown.  I can barely keep up with her!  LOL!!  She is very found of her Equestrian Therapy with TherHappy!

I finished my first year back to University with a 4.0!  I have been inducted into Golden Key International Honour Society and into Alpha Sigma Lambda.  Yay me!  I am exhausted every minute of every day, but I am happy with the course my life has taken.

Emotionally, this last few months have been the hardest.  Losing my final grandparent has been so very rough.  I am really working hard at getting past the hurt, but a part of me feels so lonely.  My grandparents were such a huge part of my life that I feel like I have lost a limb.  I find myself still speaking about her as if she were living, like my brain has not accepted the fact that she's gone.  The day before Mother's Day was so very difficult.  I had no grandma left to call and congratulate.  I didn't have any stories to hear about all the calls, flowers and gestures she received.  There was no laughter from her at the stories of my girls' antics.  No grandma left to tell me she loved me, to give me the traditional 'bendiciones'. 

A few months ago, Crosspoint held a leadership conference called Momentum. My hubby, Yudith, Aly and I attended and we were blown away!!! The Spirit was moving and touching lives! We were given answers we were seeking, answers we didn't know we needed and encouragement to keep pushing forward and to boldly do His works!! One phrase that stuck out for me was "Great opportunities later require instant obedience now!" How many times have I felt something being laid on my heart and didn't jump right in because "I have too much on my plate right now". Well, maybe I need to take some things OFF my plate!! After all, He provided my plate, how can I not obey what He wants me to do? So I requested a brief break form school and canceled some appointments. Just for a few weeks, just enough to reevaluate, restructure and rest.  I have returned now with a renewed spirit and new energy. My daughters and I have begun a new club for girls in our area, on purity, building positive self-image and a support system with others girls doing life together in Christ!  We have only been an organization for a short time period and are already growing.  I feel like I am finding my niche in my teenagers' lives.  And they are inspiring me everyday!

All in all, though a few uncomfortable moments have popped up, several painful days have visited our home, we have all drawn closer to God and to each other. For that reason I will count the last year as a blessed one. Even through anguish, God has blessed our home, our family. We have grown spiritually, have given Him our joy, fears and suffering. He returns our obedience with blessings we never would have asked imagined possible.