Trusting God

I haven't been blogging much, school and the girls have kept me pretty busy.  This last week has been a very difficult one.  First all three girls took turns being sick, I am stressed out over a research paper for school and I have not been getting any sleep.

Then, I get a call telling me that my godmother has had an aneurysm and she's in a coma.  She lives in Spain, and I can't afford to go visit her.  We're waiting to see what decision my cousins are going to make with her staying on life support or disconnecting her.  There is no brain activity, and the chances are slim on her survival without the machines.  I remember how vivacious she was, how much fun she always had.  When she took me to get my ears pierced, forced me to eat cauliflower, and when she would let my cousin and I go to the beach by ourselves as teens.  How she trusted me to do the right thing.  It's so hard to imagine her laying in a bed, immobile. 

The very next day, I get another phone call.  My mother is in tears and I can't believe the words that are coming out of her mouth.  They are just too ludicrous for my mind to wrap around.  My cousin's 18 year old son has been found dead.  I feel like I am trapped in a warp zone of some sort.  I am so beyond comprehension on this one.  A child with his whole life ahead of him.  A good kid that loved his family and took care of them.  Following his dreams. 

A good friend reminded me that we are not meant to understand what the Father does, we are just meant to TRUST Him.  This word keeps coming up in my devotionals lately, and I am trying to do so in every situation.  I have to admit that in most things, I have found it easy enough to do.  It's really easy to do so when everything is ok.  Even when finances are tight, you adjust.  Groceries are scarce, you get creative.  When someone is gone, what?  Every answer to that question that has been given to me this week seems inadequate or inappropriate.  Except for Lauren's answer: Trust.  It's all we have left to do.  Trust that God took Alberto home for a reason.  Trust that Alberto is in a better place.  Trust that God will watch over Alberto's siblings, parents and grandparents, that they will feel our Father's comforting embrace.  That they will find peace in the knowledge that Alberto is now HOME, that he feels no pain, anguish or discrimination in Heaven.  That he is loved and cared for in glorious splendor as Heaven rejoices in his Homecoming Celebration.

This makes me smile, thinking of the Angels in party mode.  I think he would enjoy that.

RIP Alberto "Macho" Vera

You were a joy to all who encountered you in life, a blessing to your family, and you will never be forgotten.

We will see you soon in the Kingdom!

INSURANCE WOES

I have been on the phone for over two hours.  Making appointments for Yudith for a Pediatric Orthopedics, which required me to call Tricare, then several doctors, then her PCP, once I found a Dr that could see her, to get a referral.


Ok.  Done. 


Now,I have called Becky's insurance about a Pediatric Ophthamologist, to be told I have to go through a separate insurance.  So I call them, am on hold for several minutes, then to be told I have to call her primary insurance back because they don't cover ophthamology, only optometry.  Oooookay.


I call the primary insurance back, again.  Explain the whole situation to a young man that is, apparently, in a hurry to get to lunch because he is speeding through the preliminary questions.  After he interrupts me for the third time I take a deep, audible breath.  And then I ask him if he could please listen to what I'm saying instead of ignoring me then proceeding to ask the same things I just explained to him.  He stutters that he IS listening.  Yeah, right.  So were my kids when I asked them to clean their bathroom last night, and HEY! I had to ask again this morning. 


"Let's try this again, Son.  I need you to focus on me.  I need a pediatric ophthamologist for my 7 year old Downs Syndrome daughter, who cannot speak.  Which is why an optometrist can not see her, she needs an ophthamologist with all the special machinery to determine how her sight is, to give her a script for new glasses.  I called you guys earlier and you asked me to call the vision plan, they said they don't cover opthamalogy, only optometry.  I need you to give me the name of an ophthalmologist in the area to see her." 


His brilliant response, "Why?  Does she need glasses or surgery?  I can give you the phone number to the vision plan.  They can set her up with a vision exam."


I.  AM.  GOING.  TO.  PRISON. 


If I could have murdered him over the line, I would have strangled him right then and there.  At this point I don't know what else to say to him, because there is nothing I can say to make things more clear to this boy. 


"Just give me the phone number to any ophthamologist in the area, and you can go have lunch, ok?!"   He finally gives me the info I need.  Now, I make the calls to the doctor offices.  NOT A SINGLE ONE IS A PEDIATRIC OPHTHAMOLOGIST.  REALLY?!?! 


Back to square one... 


You know, I don't expect a miracle here, I just want an intelligent person, that can listen to what I'm saying, show me the respect I show them, give me the information that I need, and I will be on my way.  I just want to get my baby new glasses....

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I tell my family every day how much I love them, so no, we do not go all out for Valentine's Day.  I do give my girls a little treat, this year is was a ring pop, and I gave each of them a card talking about God's love for us. 

I send my grown children, parents, sisters and nieces I love you's.  Manny will usually bring me flowers several days before, or after.  I love getting flowers but NOT on V Day.  (You just paid twice what they were worth, and I'm a Clearance Girl at heart, so this is offensive to me!)  I make dinner everyday, so making a "Special Meal" seems redundant, since I do that all the time!

Now, don't get me wrong, I love getting cards, flowers, chocolates!  But I'd rather you brought them to me on a random day, one that tells me that you thought of ME that day.  Not on the day that society is REMINDING you to bring me a token of your affection. 

Manny has learned over the years that if he brings me a token today, he gets a sweet thank you and I go back to my everyday tasks, but for the flowers he brought me last week, he got a sincere thank you with a side dish of kisses! ;) 

Roses Manny brought me last week!

SURVIVAL OF WEEK ONE!

So, I have survived the first week of school!  I finished all my assignments ahead of time, got all my housework and the girls' schoolwork done, and didn't have to cancel any of their activities or appointments.  I even have next weeks assignments started.  Woo hoo!!  The first day, I was so overwhelmed that I had to send my Ladies a message to help bring me back from the anxiety cliff's edge.  But then I got the adrenaline rush!  Which was great!  It's gotten me through the week.

Our first assignment was to write our introduction with all our dreams, motivation for returning to school, what we did for a living, etc.  I'm thinking, "Oh, HECK NOOOO!"  I'm NOT getting THAT personal with a bunch of people I don't know.  It took me several attempts at writing this paper before I turned it in.  And as I'm reading some of the other discussions going on, I'm getting even more nervous.  OMGravy!  Some of the posts were uber personal.   Sigh...

But I made it through, and went on to the next.  Weeeeell, don't you know that the second assignment was to identify my learning strengths and weaknesses.  Hello!?  Ultra self critical me?  You want ME to analyze MYSELF?  HAHAHA!  OOOHHH, I got this one!!

I have to say, that I have had a lot of help from my hubby and the girls this week!  Manny took care of the laundry, the girls have done all their chores without me nagging, and even Buddy has been helpful by letting me sleep!  LOL!!  Or, wait, maybe I'm just so tired when I fall into bed that I can't HEAR him snoring!!

I love my family, my life and how everything is falling into place!  God seems to be always sending me little reminders that He's watching over us.  I feel so blessed!!

BACK TO SCHOOL!!

I have been trying to get back into school for the last 15 years.  There was always "something" that kept me from it.  No money, denied financial aid, now is not the time, another pregnancy, another disaster, etc.

In conversation with Yudith the other day, I was talking to her about the importance of not only going for your dreams, but following through with them.  After we finished speaking, I decided to write out my Bucket List.  I know cliche, but give me a break!  ;)

I'm not going to go into details about my B.L. except for the going back to school one.  I decided that I was not wasting another moment.  I got on my computer, starting researching what I want to go back for, where I could attend.  The pros and cons of traditional college vs online.  Full time vs part time status.  How much it cost in different places.  I spoke to an admission counselor in several different schools.  Two days later, I've completed my financial aid packet, and am sitting waiting on my approval.

It came last night!  I am now officially a student at Ashford University, enrolled in the Liberal Arts Program, for a Bachelors Degree in Social Services!  YAY, ME!!!  I was bouncing off the walls!!  If I could do cartwheels, I would've been doing them last night!!  But I decided against it, since I have no desire to visit the ER...

I dreamt with books, long study nights, discussions, debates, thesis papers.  I was loving it.  Then the reality set in this morning.  Crap. Long study hours, expensive books, loooong involved thesis papers...beginning to hyperventilate at this point.  It has been so long since I went to college.  What was I thinking signing up for it again.  I started to really doubt myself and my ability to be able to do this.  Then I "heard" it.  The wonderful confirmation that I needed, as I was laying in bed,

Peace.  Joy.  Determination.  Those feelings flooded my body, my spirit, my soul as I realized that I am not doing this in my strength, but in His.  My God set me on this path, He was the One causing the fervor that I had for two days to get enrolled, come what may.  He allowed financial aid to come through, when it has been denied so many times before!  What do I have to worry about, when He has set my course!!

So, I jumped out of bed, and decided that my home office needs a little bit of something added to it in preparation of my first day of school January 31st.  I am making myself a plaque with Jeremiah 29:11 on it to set next to my computer.  So that when the long nights start to tire me out, I can look at it and be reminded that God has designated this path for me, and that He has my reward waiting for me at the end.  Prosperity.  And a future filled with HOPE!  Success will be mine! In Jesus Christ's Name!

Trans-species??

Buddy, our Dachshund, has decided to move into our bedroom.  He's dragged his bed and blanket over to my side of the bedroom, doesn't like any other space in the room, he sleeps in the corner, closest to the head of the bed, next to me.  From day one, this has been my dog.  Can you tell? 


The last few days have been noisy for him.  Buddy usually is very quiet.  Never barks, and is not into whimpering.  But for three days now, he is making a whole lot of noise, at night.  As I'm sleeping.  In my room.  What the heck, Dude?!  So my FB status the other morning reflected. 


"Its 2:50 am and I can't sleep because buddy has decided to sleep on the floor next to my side of the bed, and he's freaking snoring. I move him, he quiets down, then he puffs air at me and starts snoring again. REALLY, DUDE!!?? I take him out of my room, and before I'm back in bed, he's dragged his bed back to my side of the bedroom again. He thinks he's boss. Sigh... he is boss, cuz he's still here and I'm still listening to his snores! LOL!!"


Yesterday morning, Manny and I woke up to what sounded like someone popping bubbles.  We're both sitting up and trying to figure out who is playing at 3 am with bubbles, when out of the corner of the room.... a wet, loud bubble pop.  "Buddy, REALLY?  Blowing saliva bubbles?"  I really do believe that he thinks he's a person.  He does love to play dress up, and looks so cute in his sweater, like a little man.  But I think this is just too much!


The day is rolling by and I'm on the couch napping, he curls up at my feet to sleep and starts to make a noise similar to a fire alarm chirp when the batteries are dying out.  OMG!! You've got to be kidding me!!  WHY is he doing THAT?  LOL!!


Now, obviously, I'm no dog whisperer... but I think my canine has trans-species issues.  I don't think he knows if he's a human kid blowing bubbles,  a chirping bird, or a cat (always coughing up hair balls, different story for another day).  I wonder if there's a doggy therapist anywhere in our town?  I'm the meantime, I guess, we'll have to settle for loving him as he is.  Crazy, lovable, cuddly Dude that he is...

  This is Buddy, wearing one of Becky's aprons.  He actually wanted to keep it on!!

THE CHANGE

I have begun the crazy, maddening long journey of planning my daughter's Quinceañera.  My first born baby girl is going to be 15.  The marking of her becoming a young lady.  A woman.  Almost an adult.  No longer my little girl...  oh, I have cried more in the last few days than in the last year.  Sigh.

Of course, she's ecstatic about searching for her dress, trying the ball gowns on and tiaras, looking at venues, and designing her cake.  Searching for the perfect invitation, setting up photography sessions, menus, and choreographing her waltz.   And I sit in awe at how in command she is, how decisive with her choices, how adamant that it all have her special stamp on it.  I can see the strong woman she's becoming.  I can see that yet unrefined, rough around the edges young woman struggling to emerge from the cocoon that is my little girl.

Now, I know that 15 does not a woman make, but it's the time when I have to start to loosen the reigns, and trust that she's learned the lessons that I've tried to teach her since she was born.  I have to let her handle things on her own, make choices, mistakes, I have to let her stumble through things.  And NOT try to fix them, just be there for her, to hold her hand, give her advice without telling her it's what she should do.  I have to trust that as a Christian young woman, with a firm belief in Christ, and with the lessons of her childhood, she can handle all the issues that will come her way.  And I hope that she always remembers that she's never on her own, that her parents will always be there for her, her family is her support system, and that our Lord, God Almighty will never abandon her.

As you can see, I am seriously struggling with "The CHANGE"!!  I yearn for her first days, when I held her for hours on end, when she would giggle because I made a face, or sleeping trustingly in my arms.  I miss think of her first step, her first word, her first temper tantrum.  Her chunky baby hands leaving grubby marks on my TV and furniture, ketchup finger painting on my hallway wall, wearing her pizza slice as a hat, and using the sauce for a facial.  I remember when she tried to ride the neighbor's dog, since the pony was too big, I think of her Mother Hubbard attitude when her siblings were born, how authoritative she was with everyone that came to visit, they couldn't touch her baby until they washed their hands, she wanted to pick out their clothes, bathe them.  She even tried to change a diaper once, which was a dirty experience that she decided was too gross for her to ever repeat, thank goodness!!

I am very worried that by the time her special day rolls around that I'm going to be one huge, blubbering mess!!!  When do tears run dry?  Ya think that will happen before the photographer starts to snap pictures?!  Probably not, and I'll end up with a ton of pics of me red nose, and eyes puffy from all the crying...but then that will give us one more story to laugh over when my baby girl wants to reminisce with her emotional old mama...

THE MESS!!

So every year, after Christmas, I go through a Mess Detox.  I go systematically, room by room, closets, drawers, furniture, linens, every nook and cranny.  I eliminate everything that has accumulated over the year, and rearrange my living areas so it's not always the same old set up.  And every year, I fill the garage with yard sale items.  Every year I promise myself to not let things accumulate in the house.  And every year I fail to keep that promise.  Now, I am a neat freak.  I don't keep anything that's not necessary.  But somehow, I always find things to eliminate.  This year, we even have furniture going.  Clothes, toys, shoes, frames, kitchen items. 


The girls hate it when I go on one of my cleaning binges.  But I feel refreshed afterwards.  I am happy when I look at my house and see clean, organized rooms.  I can function more effectively.  Which makes me a nicer Mommy and Wife all around! LOL!! I guess, it's in my family's best interest that I make the time to clean and purge!!


This time, I have purged my email list, my facebook friend's list, my cell phone contacts.  If you aren't a positive contributor of love, understanding and friendship, then chances are you'll be eliminated!  And I feel positively LIBERATED!!!  Who knew a simple phone listing could hold so much power over one's emotions?


New motto for the 2012 year "If you aren't a positive, then I need to minus you out of my equation."  


Life is too short, and I want to spend it with the ones I love and value.  The ones that love and value me in return. 


This is going to be the Year of New Beginnings!!